I’ve noticed recently that there is an ugly side to my character that has snuck in somewhere along the way. It is, that I sometimes use passive aggressive ways to make a point.
For instance, me and the children joined a library this week. We were picking our first books, I took a while and chose two to start us off. As I was putting the coats back on the children to begin our exit to the car, I turned around to see that a woman had picked up one of the books and added it to her pile. At that point I had a three choices of how to deal with this;
A/ realise it was an innocent theft on her part, I’d put my two books near a pile of others so she obviously just thought it was fair game – put it down to an unfortunate mistake, pick another and then be on my way.
B/ approach the lady with a smile and explain that I’d chosen this book, had set it down to dress my children and request I have it back
C/ mutter (in a voice clearly audible to lady) to Minnie (what makes it worse is I bring my daughter into this foul play!) that one of our books seems to have disappeared so we better pick another.
I chose C and the lady saw through my act immediately. Apologising harshly she threw the book back on the chair where she found it, instructing me to take it. Immediately I knew I should have gone for options A or B. But why didn’t I? Why would I go for the passive aggressive option instead of simple, polite confrontation? If I’d just asked nicely for the book back, she would have probably simply given it to me. Or if not, and she contested that she now had it, I could have walked away knowing I did the most honest thing and I wouldn’t be just a little disgusted by my underhand tactics.
I’ve been thinking about why I pick the passive aggressive option, is it because I am scared of confrontation, and why am I scared? Does this mean I am scared of people and what they think of me? Or is it because I want a fight and I’m trying to pick one in a more socially acceptable way? If this is the case, why do I want a fight?
I think whatever it is that causes me to be like this will probably be to do with the stress of moving countries, or tiredness from having two little children, maybe it’s simply because I am British or worse than these, some “woe is me” attitude is still left over from having to do IVF.
Until I find the root of my behaviour I will just have to treat the symptoms, i.e. starve my passive aggression. I vow the next time I get an opportunity to confront someone or something I do it the open and honest way. See how that works out.
Here endeth my first blog confession – I have a feeling there will be more!
the things not said 
Hey sis. It’s a typical British non confrontational thing I reckon. Option B is the way to go every time. But it’s very hard. At least recognising it in yourself is the first step forward. Some people don’t even realise. I did a similar thing in the supermarket queue when someone pushed in and I muttered about being stood there for my health… Then they got all offended and insisted I take my place, and I looked a right arse
Yeah I think it’s pretty endemic in the UK, I just always thought I was above such behaviour…not so. People here are generally a lot more laid back and tolerant so hopefully it will rub off on me! Please come and see us here xx
Love the confessions! Eoin and I are really enjoying reading your blog – keep it coming. I think I sometimes do B but can also be known to do C. If someone knocks into me in a shop or barges past me I am very likely to say in a fairly loud voice “its ok, don’t mind me!”. As already established on numerous occasions we are similar in many ways! Missing you lots chick. xx
Ha ha yes I’ve said that one a few times. I’m missing you too. I really hope that we can manage to meet up Pacific side. Just started watching a new American series with Rachel Bilson as the lead – I’m thinking you will like it, it’s called The Hart of Dixie – I think you can get it off iTunes. How’s Fran getting along – must be going through some developmental stages now? Jackson has just started eating toast – cannot tell you how easier breakfast and lunch are now!!
Yes Fran is doing well. She is sitting up but still falling over a lot. She is enjoying food mostly and eating three meals a day. On the subject of weaning, is there an Ella’s Kitchen equivalent in Nz or have you had to start making purees? So is the Hart of Dixie something that Eoin would enjoy too or is it more of a chick box set? How is Cowles getting on? Is he enjoying his new job? Finally, did you get my e-mail about a skype date? Be lovely to chat to you guys soon. xxxxx
Hey. There are Ella’s Kitchen equivalents over here, some of which are Australian made but you can’t be thinking of that for Fran – she’ll be eating steak by the time you’re over here.
Hart of Dixie is probably more like a full-time mum’s guilty pleasure – a little too fluffy for Eoin’s tastes I would have thought. A great one for Fran’s lunch time naps. Gareth is getting along fine, it’s not that busy but I think that will change soon.
A skype date would be good – the best time would probably be your morning our evening as we are 11 hours ahead so the other way makes a very early am for you or a late night for us. So I would say between 8pm-10pm for us and 9am-11am for you…? On a weekend?
I was more thinking of you potentially having to make purees having given me all your posh little pots! I might have to check out Dixie – I mentioned it to Katy and she had heard of it. I am currently enjoying series 7 of Greys!
How about a skype date this Sunday. I suggested 9am our time in an e-mail to you recently. Not sure if you check your e-mail or maybe I’ve used an old address??? Let me know if this works and your skype name?
Lots of love xxx
Hi. 9am your time on Sunday sounds good for us. My name is claireycowles. I’m watching Season 8 of Greys at the moment and totally gutted that this might be the last season – so wrong!
Speak soon treasure xx
Great. Speak to you then. Looking forward to it.
Ha ha I love it! Yes we’ve all been there petal and I would definitely waiver towards option c on more than the odd occasion. Here’s to calm new Zealand rubbing off on you, and me should I ever get there!
Loving the intimacy x