Just in case anyone was wondering, I’m still pondering my purpose.  I haven’t had a ‘this is the way you should go’ moment as yet, but I have been thinking about the concept of purpose a lot lately.

I’ve discovered the search for purpose is not like it is when you are young or in a film with Robin Williams, where you stand on your desk, shouting ‘Carpe Diam’.  You can’t dream a dream and step into it the next day.  No, it’s more of a slow, steady, talk about it with your spouse for weeks and weeks, cautiously debating all the many intricate ripples that will come from a decision you might make in the near future that may or may not have a positive or negative effect on your career, your children’s lives, your bank account, your marriage, the happiness of your parents, your sanity!!

For instance, finding work for me feels like a complicated maze of possibilities that could lead to the dream job but I have to test out twenty routes before I find the one that will get me to where I want to go.  I’m a working mum who has the privilege of being able to work on a freelance basis.  I decided to pursue a new career path where I get paid to write, and I feel so grateful that people are giving me a chance.  Seriously I pinch myself that the work I have at the moment is to communicate, to play with words, to research topics, find out what makes a company special and put that into words, to look for spelling mistakes, to improve a sentence structure.  I’M SO EXCITED!!

And yet as I do this I also want to give my children a joyful, secure, peaceful, exciting and wonder filled childhood.  I want them to feel valued.  To know they are fearfully and wonderfully made.  To have courage and confidence that comes from knowing your parents (who know you best) think you are worthy of anything you set your sights on.  And I want this in a society that bombards me everyday with how that should be achieved.  Spend tons of time with them.  Read books that tell you how your child’s brain development is effected by their home environment.  Aspire to the beautiful, perfect family photos on Facebook and Instagram.  Nurture them.  Discipline them. Don’t spoil them.  They deserve the best.  Can I just say AAAAAAGHHHHHHH!  Being a mum in this day and age is so damn stressful!

Then there is my marriage.  Gareth is the love of my life.  I chose him to be my one.  We are two halves of one whole.  We share a bed, a house, two children, a bank account, an extended family, a dog, a fridge, a TV, an iTunes account, every Christmas Day for the rest of our lives and I could go on, the only thing we don’t share is underwear!  He is the most important person in the world to me.  If he doesn’t stay that way then all those things we share, suffer.  So it’s crucial we look after our marriage for them. And yet because we share the bed, the house, two children, a bank account etc etc our marriage is without a doubt, by a long country mile, the toughest relationship of all to get right.

As I consider all these things, trying to work out my purpose I am then challenged with ‘Who am I in all of this?’  Where have I gone?  Am I just a watered down version of the woman I thought I was a decade ago?  Do I even like me?  Does anyone else?!  Can I even do what I want to do, be who I want to be?

I guess what I am trying to say is that what I think I have learnt over the last month or so is that trying to work out your purpose is not making decisions about your life, it’s making the decision to live.  To choose life.

Whatever you do, do with all your heart.  Make your choices mind, body and soul.  Own your decisions. Know that only you can live your life.

My purpose is to choose life.  So what gives me life?  What makes me happy to be alive?  What are the moments when I feel really alive?  That’s how I fulfil my purpose.