Every two to three months I will have a total meltdown, the air will be blue, I will be upset, there will be shouting and I will seriously consider leaving my husband and children. And by leave I mean not show up at dinner time and sulk in the bedroom with a bar of Dairy Milk.
Now I can’t be sure but I think it’s hormonal. Generally my period comes about 48 hours later. So in a way it’s not a real meltdown (can’t believe I am giving my husband ammunition for the next time this happens) but it’s actually just a chemical imbalance in my body. Have to say it does feel a lot in my head though too.
The frustration I feel on that fateful day is always about not having time for myself. Again it’s probably my body telling me a little bit of ‘me time’ would be a good thing as it’s pretty busy with all them there hormones. But what it feels like is my life is too much, the routine is claustrophobic and I can’t cope. Whilst these messages are hormone induced they haven’t come from nothing and probably shouldn’t be ignored. So I make plans after these “episodes” – exercise more, let Gareth do more on the weekend, don’t stress the little things.
And today is a new day. I know that my little children will grow up and in some ways it will get easier, but then I won’t have the privilege of being the only one to spend all their waking moments with them, I will have to share them. So I’ll take the tantrums with the laughter, the food on the floor for the wide open mouths, the endless games of hide and seek for a giggle on a slide. My life isn’t so bad after all. I mean look at him.
One thing that helps me to not panic is the thought I’m not alone. Somewhere in the world right now, whilst I’m actually together and enjoying the day, there is a mum somewhere feeling like if her two year old squashes one more spoonful of home made risotto in her hand she’s going to run out of the house screaming. She’s not alone either.